addictions

one of the things i've realized of late (through working through cancer and with my shrink and all) is the addiction to performing that i have. like any addiction, it is an attempt to fill a hole, validate oneself, feel loved. and like all addictions - it doesn't work. the neediness to be onstage undermines my health, my stability, and also my shows. I have had the opportunity because of the cancer treatments, to allow and accept the love of many different people, something that i have been pushing away. the thinking is, I guess, since my own family couldn't love me - how could you. this made me feel unlovable, and hated. this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over the last while, by allowing me to be loved, i have become lovable, and people have expressed that to me in sometimes subtle ways, and sometimes very direct ways. those people that don't - i now view them as going through they're own self hatred, and so I no longer see that as my problem. Self-forgiveness is a profound thing, and not easily understood, or achieved, but i feel like I'm getting there. I no longer need to perform to be validated and loved. Stand-up is something I do, not something I am, or something I need. I like making people happy, and stand-up is one way i can do that. Which I am tonight, headlining the Best of Vancouver show at Yuk YUks.