boundaries.

spent some time today with my shrink talking about boundaries. I have had to establish some over the last few days, and wondering why it seemed like people seem to stomp right through mine with no problem. Dr. A pointed out that sometimes its not because I haven't established boundaries, but OTHER people have no boundaries, and so don't see mine. ei. it's not my fault that my boundaries aren't being respected, but other people having not developed any for themselves. So no matter how clear I am, they just don't get it. The upside is, by not taking it personally, I can merely enforce my boundaries without hostility, and not take on the stress that used to come from either having my boundaries invaded, or having to fight to protect them. Ironically for the boundary-challenged people, instead of my boundaries being lessened by their attempts to get in, the boundaries are increased. And my stress is reduced, which means I am healthier.

addictions

one of the things i've realized of late (through working through cancer and with my shrink and all) is the addiction to performing that i have. like any addiction, it is an attempt to fill a hole, validate oneself, feel loved. and like all addictions - it doesn't work. the neediness to be onstage undermines my health, my stability, and also my shows. I have had the opportunity because of the cancer treatments, to allow and accept the love of many different people, something that i have been pushing away. the thinking is, I guess, since my own family couldn't love me - how could you. this made me feel unlovable, and hated. this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over the last while, by allowing me to be loved, i have become lovable, and people have expressed that to me in sometimes subtle ways, and sometimes very direct ways. those people that don't - i now view them as going through they're own self hatred, and so I no longer see that as my problem. Self-forgiveness is a profound thing, and not easily understood, or achieved, but i feel like I'm getting there. I no longer need to perform to be validated and loved. Stand-up is something I do, not something I am, or something I need. I like making people happy, and stand-up is one way i can do that. Which I am tonight, headlining the Best of Vancouver show at Yuk YUks.